JTHM: A Survey in Hell
by Zdenko Masque
Summary: This is just the actual comic, put into story form by yours truely. I own nothing.


**~JTHM: A Survey in Hell~**

**Disclaimer: I do not own this little thingy that the great Jhonen Vasquez (Long live the King) created. This is only to keep my readers happy until I get over my writer's block and carpal tunnel. This is an actual JTHM comic, and I'm just making it in story form, like I did with Traumatize Thy Neighbour. Enjoy.**

_A man was standing at the house 750, in front of a rather large woman who's shirt read: Damn I'm nasty with two crying kids on her shoulders. He grinned and held up his clipboard. "Hello ma'am! I'm conducting a survey for the neighborhood crime council. As you may know, the people of our city have recently been subject to a massive increase in hideously brutal mutilations. Now, I'd just like to ask you a few questions if you have the time."_

_The woman looked at him. "Well, I'd hate to miss Oprah Windy, but this whole mutilation thing IS pretty upsetting, so ask away." _

_(In the background of this small scene, one who was paying enough attention if they passed by could here the T.V. behind the woman saying: "Next, men who eat human waste, and the women who love to kiss them!")_

_"Okeedoo!" The man exclaimed, "So... What do YOU think about murder?" _

_"Hmm... Well, just last week, I found my husband's headless body nailed to the wall, with his open chest cavity stuffed with skulls, so, I'd have to say that it'sss... Umm... Bad."_

_"Mm, hmm." The man muttered, writing it down._

**A SURVEY IN HELL**

The man walked down to the next house, 777, with a sign in the barren lawn that read: Keep off the loose soil. He walked up to the door and rang the door bell, which sounded like this: AAAAAAACHK!

A pale man with rather large eyes and messy hair opened the door a ways and stuck his head out. "Yes?"

"Hello there! Say, I couldn't help but noticing your house number. 777?" He pointed at it, "That's funny! Isn't that, like, the number to Heaven, or something? Heh heh."

The pale man, our hero, opened the door a little wider so the latter could see in. "Does this LOOK like Heaven?"

"Uh, no, I guess not. Hey, I think there's something wrong with your doorbell. See?" The pale man stuck his head out and watched as the first man rang the doorbell.

(Somwhere, deep within the secret bowels of the house, a man was hooked up to a shocker machine that would shock him anytime the: Doorbell rang, toliet flushed, blender turned on, or the toaster popped.)

The pale man made a face, chewing on a fingertip. "Did you WANT something?"

The survey man shoved his clipboard into the other's face. "Oh, yes! I'm from the nieghborhood crime council. It's a survey n the recent wave of violent crimes. So I'd just like to a..."

"GET IN HERE!" He was cut off as the thin, pale man's hand clamped around his arm and drgged him in, thowing him against the dirty floor as he slammed the door behind him, yelling. "2 NIGHTS AGO, I WAS TAKING A WALK, AT NIGHT, AND THIS LITTLE CHIHUAHUA STARTED FOLLOWING ME! GODDAMMIT! IT KNEW! I RAN, AND FINALLY LOST IT, AND MADE IT HOME! BUT IT KNEW! IT KNEWWWW!"

"What is this?" The first man yelled, rubbing his head.

The pale one brought the first man up to his face, shaking him. "DID THE _DOG _SEND YOU?"

"No! I'm just doing a survey! Honest!"

The pale man seemed to calm down, looking distant. "Oh. Okay." He dropped him and spread his arms out wide. "So whaddya wanna know?"

"Umm.. You know, this REALLY isn't that important! I should leave! YES! Right now! Sorry to have disturbed...Eh... _Bothered_ you!"

"Not at all! I guess I needed a break! I was just drawing a comic; Happy Noodle Boy. It's really popular with the homeless insane. Now, ask me questions! Lots of questions! Please. Sit." The first man sat in a wooden chair, and out hero sat on a box of nails, chin resting on his hand.

"Uhh, alright. Errr, okay. So what are your veiws on this current surge of violent crimes? And what can be done to protect the people?"

"Hmmm... The voilent crimes? All perfectly natural in a society who's advances are limited to its technology. The basic behavior of the modern human is hardly different from that of its primitive ansestors. The _only _noticeable changes are _trends. _wether in a suit, or in a _loincloth, _people are ignorant little thorns, cutting into each other. The seem _incapable _of advancing beyond the violent tendencies which, at one time, were _necessary _for survival." As he continued, the first man was incapable of writing down much more than: 'Dear God! Please let me live through this day!' "

As for protecting the people," His hands were clentching and unclentching as he spoke, "well, that's a bit of a paradox- at least, from what I know. I'm sure that if you searched into the lives of these victims, you would find out that they, themselves, were the cause of their very deaths. In those cases, the so-called "victim", at some earlier time played som epart in the creation of their "killer." I believe that the life _ended _was ended for the fact that it was wasted on something that would never evolve beyond the childish cruelty so amny never cast off."

"Okayy." The man looked up as the pale man again rested his chin on his wrist and said, "Now, ask another one."

He looked back down. "Sure. Mm... So what do you think of the ide that violence on television and other media have a negative effect on kids and other impressionable minds?"

"Ooh.. Any pile of stunted growth unaware that entertainment is just that and nothing more, deserves to doom themselves to some dank cell, somewhere, for having been so stupid! Movies, books, T.V., music- they're all just entertainment, no guidebooks for damning yourself!"

"These are some _fantastic _answers!" The man exclaimed, lifting up his pencil. "I'm sorry I was so nervous before. But don't worry now, I'd be glad to go on with the questions. I've got one, but it's pretty weird. You might remember the girl found behind the mall. Very strange. She was drained of all her blood. Police think that, maybe, the killer has some sort of vampirism thing, like, he DRINKS his victims blood! What do YOU think?"

"I NEVER DRANK HER BLOOD!" The pale one exclaimed, whipping out two knives and leaping onto his box. "NEVER! BUT I NEEDED IT! YOU SEE!" He yelled, pointing one knife at the blood covered wall behind him. "IT CHANGES COLOR WHEN IT DRIES! IT NEVER STAYS! I _HAVE _TO KEEP THE WALL WET!"

The survey man was then thrown through one of the boarded up windows, his arms torn off, his legs broken, and his pencil shoved into his skull, and landed with a whump beside a kid on a trike.

(You just _know _this kid's gonna have problems.)

And as the poor child ran screaming from his small bike, a hand clampped around an unbroken board from the window, and two eyes became visible from the darkness as the pale man yelled "ASK A _DIFFERENT _QUESTION!"

**A/N: Up next, the Nny Goes to Taco Smell comic.**


End file.
